Thursday, August 21, 2014


Last summer, I didn't have a job for a good 2 months. I was pretty good at the temping game. I only had a lag of a week between jobs - usually. During those two months, I didn't have much or any money. I ate packaged ramen w. dry powder packets for most meals. I ate mostly garbage. Thank god for $1 pizza restaurants. I was pretty anemic. Bruises started to appear. I didn't have an air conditioner during a blazing heatwave. So I sweated through till mid-October. I was out of a relationship. Had no interest in pursuing another relationship, because knowing me - I'd forget that I exist and just become whatever I thought the other person wanted. Then if and when that failed - back to Square One just older.

On top of that, I had spent a few years toiling at this art project that seemed to have lost steam. I really wanted to be a full-time artist, but no one seemed to want me any more. I did some soul-searching with a therapist I couldn't afford, because I needed some answers ASAP. Perhaps, a Swami, Palm-Reader, or Psychic Spiritual Advisor could've done me good, but I needed to get real. In the theme of being real, may I add that I was in my early 30s? I was 32 to be exact. I was 32 and realizing that there were some other things that I was good at and would love to continue doing for a job eventually a career. But such prospects require a lot of work, a lot of rejection and sometimes (a lot of the time) don't pan out. Some people might even consider me "Too Old."

Furthermore if I haven't mentioned, I'm gay. I came out on the late side. Aside from the after school special feeling of "Well he's fine, he found himself," dating people - I get judged a lot for not coming out sooner. Sometimes I get judged for not being up to speed on all the subcultures or all the know how of Gay. I felt like the kid in class that Can't Read as Good. To up the ante a bit more, I watched all my friends either gay or straight (there is no prejudice here) get into serious relationships, serious careers, serious babies, serious marriages, serious property ownerships. Meanwhile, I felt like I just got to the party. Boasting a furrowed brow and pursed lips, I felt like an Alien.

Maybe had I heard certain sentences from authority figures that built me up instead of making me feel confused and defeated, things MIGHT'VE been different. Maybe if something could get perfected back then, some THINGS would be PERFECT now. But I can't change that. I don't mean to throw the Most Raging Pity Party either! I admit things have gotten better since then, but that "Alien" feeling does come up here and there. I'm the emotional equivalent of a Single Mom Nodding Off During Night School.

Anyhow - if you at all related to the past few paragraphs with some empathy, you might enjoy this new issue of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for this very reason.

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