Once there was a boy named Joss Whedon. He grew up to be a God amongst geeks (and some normal folk too!) All he needed was some mainstreaming gold because even though his cult worshiped him, he tended to put the kibosh on anything needing ratings higher than a network share of 3.0.
There was also a boy named Edward Norton. He went to Yale and grew up to be a famous A list actor. Then, he played The Incredible Hulk in a movie and allegedly caused some shit behind the scenes. They say he acted like a little bit of a douche but still wanted him for a sequel, maybe.
Next, a boy named Kevin Feige (he reads comic books all day) decided to take a bunch of ultra-famous actors and hulk-smash them all together for a movie called The Avengers. He decided to let Joss take the wheel of this blockbuster-in-waiting. He wouldn't tell anyone, though. See Kevin wasn't too good at this "people" thing. Drive fast Joss, mainstreaming gold ahead before things get all FOX-like and canceled!
So then, Joss had private, super secret, individual meetings with everyone in the cast of this Avengers team including "Nick Fury" Samuel L. Jackson, "Iron Man" Robert Downey Jr. and yes, even "The Hulk", Yale-bred little Eddie Norton. That last meeting went very well and both Ed and Joss decided with togetherness that Ed would once again be green and muscley for The Avengers. The world was bright and full of double rainbows for our Joss.
Then Kevin put the comics down for a second and said, you know what? Fuck that. Ed Norton's a douche, he's out and I'm going to tell the world about it (but still hold out about telling the world about Joss directing The Avengers...even though everyone. already. knows. I'm wacky like that.)
Poor Joss thought "Dammit! Why do I always get the kibosh? Is it time for me to make a Buffy movie now?"
So Ed Norton's agent said "Fuck this, it's Kevin Feige that's the douche, not my boy. I hope the movie turns out like Batman & Robin (the one with the Governator)." Hitfix.com had a lot of traffic that day.
Ed thought, "I'm going to bow out gracefully on Facebook, this Joss guy puts the kibosh on some things anyway, best to let someone else be green. Maybe that Bana guy." (note: did he type that with a typewriter and scan it and THEN put it on Facebook? WTF?)
So it seemed that it would all be over and quiet until the inevitable San Diego Comic Con announcement was made. But then...
Hold the phone! Mark Ruffalo. Who knew he was 41 years old? Anyway, HE'S going to play The Incredible Hulk.
Or, maybe that nice Doctor, David Tennant. Would he make a fancy Hulk?
And then there's "Crazy Eyes" Joaquin Phoenix. HE'S going to be GREEN and crazy and bearded and rapping. Well, we'll know soon enough....
But not before I tell the tale of Josh Holloway vs. Nathan Fillion for the part of Ant-Man in The Avengers. I know who we want but hey, Holloway's part of the Whedonverse too! First vamp to ever grace Angel the Series. Go back and check your DVDs.
The Real End.